Supporting the Biological Fathers (And Their Families) Who Learn About a New Bio Child
GIVEN PAST REACTIONS TO POSTS LIKE THIS ONE, I REALIZE THIS POST WILL BE A TRIGGER FOR SOME TO READ.
The purpose of posts that address the biological family (dads, wives, siblings) in a DNA surprise discovery are to expand upon growing support available for NPEs and adoptees discovery. Posting about others involved in these experiences does not minimize the experiences of adoptees and NPEs. I have posted many times in the past in support of adoptees, donor conceived persons, and NPEs. This particular posts focuses on the families they discover they are related to by DNA.
Many “reunions” between biological relatives that have taken place after a DNA test discovery have led to disappointment on one, many, or all sides. Contact is refused. Contact goes great and then one party begins ghosting the other. Communications end, on a sour note or unexpectedly. Why is this? What is going on in situations that make unions and reunions between biological family members so difficult.
The more we listen and try to understand the experiences of others, the more likely we’ll understand the answer and make the future different.
Sometimes it is the biological fathers and sometimes it is their wives who reach out to me first.
“My husband just got a parent/child match to a stranger…we need help with what to do next.”
“Help me! My brother just called and said he got a niece match and thinks this girl is my daughter…what am I supposed to do?”
“23andMe tells me this person I match with is my child, but I don’t know whether to believe the DNA test. How do I know it’s legit?”
Panic, dread, confusion, doubt, and concern often prevail at the beginning of a surprise DNA family discovery. The TV commercials that show happy, smiling reunions of long-lost family don’t show this side of DNA testing. Surprise family member discoveries are an increasingly common experience after family DNA discoveries (see this post about the release of The Lost Family by journalist Libby Copeland).
Relationships can develop after these discoveries. They can be positive and healing! But what it takes to get from the new revelation of a biological child to a smoother time “after the shock” is not easy for many families.
This is no one’s fault.
The struggle is not the fault of the biological fathers, their wives, the existing or newly-found children, birth mothers, and not even the DNA test companies.
NO ONE IS RIGHT OR WRONG, AND NO ONE IS A GOOD PERSON OR A BAD PERSON, FOR WHAT THEY DO OR DO NOT DO AFTER A DNA SURPRISE.
Family relationships and family dynamics are complicated, even when there are no surprises and shocks. When a new reality comes to light, everyone in the family needs time and support.
The biological father, his wife, and other family often keep quiet about what they go through after the discovery of a new biological child. I have had many wives reach out to me feeling torn up and feeling guilty for the emotions they experience. They are expected by some people to immediately embrace their husband’s new child. They are expected by other people to be suspicious, to wonder “what does this new child want?”
EVERYONE ASSUMES THE BIOLOGICAL FATHER, HIS WIFE, AND OTHER FAMILY WILL FEEL A CERTAIN WAY, BUT THERE IS NO SINGLE WAY TO REACT OR FEEL AFTER A SHOCK LIKE THIS.
Many in the biological family may want to be welcoming, but they don’t understand why they are struggling to cope with this new person. Even if the person was a child conceived before a husband and wife were married, the discovery can be shattering (at least, at first). The family dynamic and the family structure has changed without anyone in the existing family having a choice. Some wives have described to me watching their husband undergo a sudden transformation into someone they no longer recognize. The biological fathers may struggle, obsess, mourn over lost time, or (in some cases) express anger at having been duped or lied to. Some husbands seem to struggle with feelings of embarrassment, or feeling exposed or foolish.
NOT EVERYONE FEELS COMFORTABLE HAVING PARTS OF THEIR PRIVATE LIFE ON DISPLAY ON SOCIAL NETWORKS, YET A DISCOVERY CAN QUICKLY GO VIRAL.
The spread of news of a discovery is also challenging and happens too quickly for some families. The online nature of at-home DNA testing and social media have sped things up further. Sometimes biological fathers are the last to know they’ve had a child discovered. Once they learn, some wonder if there are more secrets being kept or if they have fathered additional children they do not yet know. Once one discovery happens, a family is put on edge.
After discovery of a new child, some wives report their husbands changing in ways that are confusing. Their husbands grow goatees, start exercising. They head off on trips alone—spouse, raised children, and other family excluded—to meet a newfound child. Sudden changes in behavior can threaten a relationship if the couple cannot communicate about what is happening and why.
When I began to hear details about the experiences of biological family members, I began to view DNA surprise discoveries in a new light. It is important to share these stories with others to let others know going through similar struggles understand they are not alone. Another important reason is that psychology research on family DNA discoveries is very much needed to understand what is happening with reunions fostered by unexpected DNA discoveries. Studies are underway to investigate the experience of those who discover an unexpected relationship, but not yet for biological families. What is happening within families, marriages, and individuals? What is the best support we can provide to everyone involved in these situations? Should the goal be sharing information like health history, building relationships, or a combination of both?
HERE’S THE MOST IMPORTANT ADVICE I HAVE GLEANED FROM LISTENING TO BIOLOGICAL FAMILY MEMBERS.
1) Biological fathers, SLOW DOWN! If you are married or have a partner in life, make sure you work together to face this new life experience using a team mindset. If you are used to hiding your emotions or feelings, this will be a growing time for you. The confusion, obsessive thoughts, panic, and feeling that you need to do something right away are typical. You are allowed to proceed slowly and take your time to process the shock. You do not have to act immediately on the news of a biological child discovery.
2) Parents, be open with the children you raised about the discovery and how you are feeling. If you need time, tell them. Let them know you appreciate their patience while you work to sort things out as a couple. Ask them to not post announcements to social media even though that might be the way they interact online about other life events. A DNA discovery involving a new person is a family event, not an individual event.
3) Biological siblings of the discovered DNA family member, do the same: slow down. When the structure of your family suddenly changes, it takes a lot of communication and patience from everyone. Avoid social media announcements and automatic friending. Find other private avenues to communicate with your newfound sibling while you work to determine if you are both interested in establishing a relationship and what that looks like to each of you. If your parent(s) are no longer living, it is still important to communicate with others in the family about public announcements and how each living family member might be affected. Recognize that like many events in life, you and any siblings you were raised with might not see eye-to-eye on how to respond to a new sibling discovery.
4) Other family members, keep in mind you are not the center of the discovery. Unless you are the parent or the child involved, realize the discovery affects at least two other people more closely than it does you. Resist the urge to center your experience and your emotions and to use social media to do so. Also be cautious of making assumptions about how everyone is feeling, should feel, or might feel. Instead, listen and be open to meeting your relatives where they are at that moment in time.
WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
The period following a DNA relative discovery is a time and an opportunity to strengthen communication between family members in a more intimate way. Consider taking it off-line and switch to more personal styles of communications, such as telephone calls or postal letters.
Consider ordering one of the following books. Even if your family’s discovery does not involve an adoption, the advice on the ‘reunion’ aspect of a new family member discovery might resonate.
The parent/child match from an ancestry test like 23andMe or AncestryDNA is rarely wrong, but a second test—either from another ancestry test company or a lab offering paternity testing--has value. A test to confirm slows down any decisions and reactions taken without first stepping back, taking a deep breath, and reorienting to the new family life ahead. It rules out any possible errors and can allay lingering doubts, whether they come from the perspective of the (adult) child, biological parent, spouse, or other family.
You might find support and information from this ebook:
Could the DNA Test Be Wrong? - short how-to guide to make sure it wasn’t all a big mistake
Note: If you do not own a Kindle, you can download the Kindle app to your phone.
We are learning that these discoveries cause a kind of trauma to many involved (including the bio dads and their wives), so it's important to work with a therapist or counselor who is trauma-informed. Trauma-informed counselors have training in trauma recognition and support. Some couples therapists will understand better than others the significance, impact, and threat to existing relationships of a new and unexpected family member. Some will not, especially if they are not trained as trauma counselors. Take some time to research and choose your therapist(s) wisely; interview a few over the phone or video chat if you can.
I have worked with many adoptees, donor conceived individuals, and other NPEs, so I do not write about these things lightly and devoid of compassion. On the contrary, I understand why it is so important and valuable that individuals who locate genetic family via DNA testing have the chance to connect with and have the opportunity to try to build relationships with biological relatives.
IF YOU ARE AN ADOPTEE OR NPE, PLEASE REALIZE THAT ANY SUPPORT THAT HELPS YOUR BIO DAD AND HIS WIFE AND EXISTING FAMILY FEEL SUPPORTED AND UNDERSTOOD IS NOT A THREAT TO YOU.
Sometimes going slower at the beginning is better in the long run, if you are hoping for a relationship to last. When everyone finds their way to support and understanding and is given the time to adjust to the shock and at a healthy pace, everyone benefits. I have many other posts directed at NPEs and adoptees, so please search blog history to find support especially for you.
Long story short: The way to support a stable, long-term, healthy relationship between newfound DNA relatives is to allow existing families the time and support they need to adjust and figure out what comes next. No two families, no two couples, and no two relationships are exactly alike. They need support as well.