Support for spouses and significant others of those involved in a DNA surprise

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I received an email recently from someone searching for support. Her email read:

“I found out three years ago that my husband has an adult daughter. She contacted him and they began what I refer to as their “lovefest”. I searched and searched for information about this. There’s plenty of support for adoptees and birth parents, but none for other family members.”

Less than two weeks later, I received another email recounting a similar story.

Both women described a sense of loneliness and feeling dismissed by others who couldn’t understand the difficulty they experienced from a DNA surprise not personally affecting them.

It was hard for others to understand.

It’s obvious when a DNA surprise affects those directly involved -- a father discovering a child they never knew existed, for example. Or a person learning that the father who raised them is not their biological parent.

It’s less apparent and sometimes ignored and dismissed when other people associated with these individuals struggle with the unearthing of the surprise. We sometimes forget families are interconnected, living beings in themselves.

One drop of change can have ripple effects that spread throughout the family.

I recently started a secret support group for spouses and SOs affected by a loved one’s DNA surprise.

Reach out if you fit into this group and would like to be a part of it.

Secret support groups on Facebook already exist for those who discover misattributed parentage for themselves, and for others involved in a DNA surprises in general. Reach out if you are looking for this type of support.