“How Do I Reach Out to Biological Siblings Who Don’t Know About Me?”

Dear Brianne,

I’m adopted and know the identities of my birth mother and father, but the biological siblings on my paternal side don’t know about me yet. My children are encouraging me to reach out, especially since medical information is important for all of us. What should I do?

- Adopted-and-a-Parent

Dear Adopted-and-a-Parent,

Thanks for reaching out. There is a lot to consider, and I can see the hesitation. It can be a huge shock, and some people in biological families weather the shock of a new-found DNA family member better than others.

Working with an adoption competent counselor could help you tease out and address the reluctance you have had to this point in time in reaching out. As for advice on what to do in a situation of reaching out to biological siblings, you might find a Facebook group like “Search Squad” or “Adoption Search & Reunion” helpful. There are many discussions that take place in these groups about making the approach to biological family (like siblings) who don’t know about your existence.

The appearance of a new DNA family member can be a special shock to “found” family, in particular if it has been a parent who has kept a secret. The parent/child bond relies on a foundation of trust, and it can take families a while to recover from a secret revealed. We are starting to find more guidance and support for the ‘found’ fathers and their existing families, like in this recent post written by a wife of a birth father.

The book I co-authored with Shannon Combs-Bennett, The DNA Guide for Adoptees, addresses the various aspects of the search for family and medical information. You might find some parts of the book helpful even though you’ve already learned the identity of your biological parents. The DNA search sections might not apply as much, but other sections like reaching out to a DNA match or the medical topic chapters (the last quarter of the book) will be relevant.

“People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.” If you make contact with them, your biological siblings might end up being a part of your life for a short time or a long time. There isn’t a way to predict which it will be. Just like friends we meet, we can’t know until time shows us what role they have in our life. Uncertainty over relationships can feel stressful, but in many ways, it is normal part of life.