A Father’s Story: Six Years After the Unexpected DNA Discovery of a Child
DNA discoveries often arrive without warning, reshaping families in ways that are both tender and complex. It’s not too often we hear from the parents in a DNA discovery, and even less often that a surprised biological father shares his experience.
Today’s guest, Arnold (shared with permission), reflects on the past six years since he first learned he had a biological daughter he never knew existed. His story is one of vulnerability and openness, of loss and healing, and finding courage to reveal a surprise child discovery after years of choosing not to share.
This episode covers:
Arnold’s experience of preparing to share about his biological child discovery, first with his wife and later his children
Arnold (and his late wife’s) decision to meet his biological daughter in person and develop a relationship with her privately
Finding community with other bio dads and from online support groups
How coaching with Brianne set him up for success in sharing the surprise news
Arnold first shared about his experience alongside another bio dad on the Watershed DNA blog many years ago. A lot has happened in Arnold’s life since, and I asked him to share an update via this blog and an interview on DNA Clarity and Support.
““It has now been 6½ years since I found out about my biological daughter in January 2019.”
Telling the adult children he raised about the news
After many years of pondering and preparing, Arnold told his two children about their new sibling in person during a family meeting. The conversation went well. Arnold described his son as calm and accepting. His daughter needed time to process the unexpected news, but soon after, she chose to share it with her own daughters. When Arnold’s biological daughter traveled to meet the rest of the family in person, the connection unfolded gently and naturally. The two sisters spent time together privately, and just recently, the whole group gathered for a Sunday family dinner.
Describing the nature of the relationship now, Arnold wrote:
“My two kids and my oldest granddaughter are now connected with her [their new sister/aunt] on some social sites. We’re all keeping the relationship off social media for now, since most of her friends don’t know she was adopted. We don’t want to cause any issues for her or her adoptive parents. She and I still agree not to use the word Dad. I respect what her parents have done for her.”
What has changed most for you in the past six years?
“The hardest thing anyone should ever have to deal with is the death of a spouse. My wife of 42 years passed away one year and four months after she and I first met my biological daughter. Losing [my wife] was the hardest thing ever in my life.
Thanks to having met my biological daughter, we kept in touch—texts, calls, and occasional visits. She once came to a region close to where I live, and I drove over so we could have dinner together.”
What has been helpful for you during these years of change and grief?
“A lot of praying. I thought a lot about how my own mother died at 90 and took a secret to her grave. She had been married before she married my dad.
I began to think I had to tell my two children. They finally deserved to know my secret and wanted to break the chain of secrets in my family. I had to tell them—myself—at a family meeting one afternoon.”
Do you have any regrets or things you wish you’d done differently?
“No regrets.
I’m happy my wife and I chose not to tell our children earlier because our daughter was in recovery from addiction. We worried the news might trigger a relapse. She has done well—staying clean, raising her daughters, and growing her career. She has turned around three stores in the last five years that were below standard. I think she will get promoted to Corporate Trainer soon.
My biological daughter is also doing well. She left a stressful job and is now in a much better environment, still living in a large metropolitan area.”
Final Thoughts
Stories like Arnold’s remind us that surprise DNA discoveries are not a one-time event. They unfurl over multiple years, changing lives irreversibly. They send some people through grief first on the way to healing. The ripples of secrets keep going through generations until someone decides it’s time for something different.
Arnold’s journey is the experience of one person and their decisions. No two surprise DNA discoveries are the same. What Arnold’s story teaches is that preparation can’t be rushed. Growth comes in unexpected ways and can’t be set by anyone else’s timeline.
Perhaps most importantly, new family connections—when handled with care—can become a source of new family relationship and meaning can come again even after unexpected and devastating losses.
Hang around to the end of this conversation because we discuss having Arnold return for a follow up conversation! He’s graciously agreed to return to give us more of the story, so send in a question for Arnold and tune in for his answer on a future episode.
Like what you heard? Drop a comment to Arnold to show your appreciation and support.
If you have a story you’d like to share with Watershed DNA readers, let us know! We welcome your story and voice.
Your story might be another’s hope…and the anchor they were searching for after their surprise DNA discovery.
Need help preparing to share a surprise DNA discovery like Arnold?
Reach out! You don't have to go this alone.
