When your biological father is keeping you a secret
A message arrived in the inbox from an adult child struggling over the fact that her existence was being kept a secret from her newfound bio dad’s wife and family. My response is for both the adult children in these situations and the biological fathers not sure how to go about sharing after the discovery of an adult child. Resources are included throughout the post.
Hi Brianne,
I'm wondering if you can possibly provide any insight or a strategy on a hard situation with my biological father who I discovered last year from two DNA tests and the help of a genealogist. I am absolutely horrified at his resistance to telling his wife; I feel horrible, like a dirty secret. I take my own self-respect seriously, and I feel his behavior does not align with my own personal commitment to leading a life of honesty. I have wanted his wife to be included from my first moment of contact with him. I am not someone who ever lies or is comfortable with dishonesty; but of course I am happy to have found him! I hate this conflict within myself. I have told him repeatedly I would love to know his wife and honor his wife, and also that I would hate to ever hurt her feelings.
-Being Kept a Secret
Dear “Being Kept a Secret,”
I completely understand not wanting to perpetuate a secret, no matter the circumstances. You are being asked to be complicit in a relationship betrayal, and that does not feel good. Your instincts are telling you something isn’t right.
You mentioned wondering whether you will have to cut ties. I think there are more options to consider, like taking a break without going so far as fully ending contact. Be honest about the impact secrecy has on you and explain that you are choosing to pause communication for a while. It sounds like your biological father needs both time and pressure to be open with his family and to help them work through what the discovery of a surprise child means.
What that looks like from the outside is little to no communication between you and him for a while. Some will call this type of request to cease contact “rejection,” but that term is too strong. Putting a pause on communication is not rejection, it is a healthy step to take while other pieces fall into place.
“Putting a pause on communication is not rejection, it is a healthy step to take while other pieces fall into place.”
In the meantime, while your biological father is working through what he needs to on his end, you can focus on strengthening your own sense of your worth as a person. You have expressed compassion towards your biological father and his wife as well as self-respect. These are amazing traits—and we need more of this kind and soft strength in this world. Don’t lose them. What your biological father and anyone else in the situation decide they can or cannot offer in a relationship with you is not a reflection of you. It’s a reflection of their capacity.
“What your biological father and anyone else in the situation decides they can or cannot offer in a relationship with you is not a reflection of you. ”
Can you name some other people in your life that you value, and that maybe have been pushed aside or neglected recently? Perhaps there is a friend you haven’t reached out to in a while, or a cousin or sibling or classmate you were once close to and wish to reconnect. This might be the time to invest your time and finances into working with a counselor, therapist, or coach, because waiting on others to be ready to meet you where you are can be excruciating, and family and friends might not know how to support you.
While you wait to see if your biological father and his wife and family are open to building a relationship, you can take the time to re-invest in yourself and in others. You need and deserve support all around you right now. Check out these resources to get started.
“This might be the time to invest your time and finances into working with a counselor, therapist, or coach, because waiting on others to be ready to meet you where you are can be excruciating, and family and friends might not know how to support you. ”
I have worked with biological fathers on the other side of a surprise DNA discovery, and the struggle is real for them. They can find it impossible to keep everything balanced and either freeze in a state of inaction or react impulsively, not being sure what is the “right” thing to do. There is little in life that can prepare a person for a shock of this magnitude, so it’s understandable.
The best outcomes happen when communication is slow and paced (think snail mail pace and not Facebook chats and text messaging). Decisions to meet up need to be based on all-around readiness, not geographical convenience or other pressure.
Everyone wants to feel seen, loved, accepted, and treated with respect and dignity. You have a right to be known and not kept a secret. I hope this encouragement and the resources above help you find your way to a decision about what comes next with your relationship with your biological father.
“You have a right to be known and not kept a secret.”
Maybe he is struggling with fear and uncertainty, not sure how to start the conversation with his family. He might find this blog post about support for biological fathers or my conversation with bio dad Arnold helpful. Does he need help preparing to share the news with his wife? There is support available. He doesn’t have to go it alone.
Thank you for writing in. I hope this has helped and that you are able to find peace in the year ahead.
-Brianne, Watershed DNA founder
